I guess it's known to many people about the struggles that I've had in the past - the video blog I made over a year ago only proves that. It wasn't long after that, that I got a lot worse (hence it being the one of the last video's I've made). I'm pretty ashamed to say that doctors, hospital trips and the occasional therapist became pretty normal to me... Being dosed up on anti-depressants and being on an eating disorder watch is something I like to hope is as low as it will ever get for me.
Before I carry on this post, I would like to say that I am better than I was back then and despite still being a small size, I'm not spending my days avoiding food or with my head down the toilet because I let food pass my lips. I've also been congratulated by friends on how far I've come and how it's shaped me into a whole new person (hopefully better than before).
I wouldn't say there was one particular trigger... I don't know? Maybe there was. I think that my coping mechanism isn't as good or 'normal' as it should be. I've always struggled with the idea of death and so having many deaths within a close time frame sent me further down than I was before. It was almost like one thing after another and that I just wasn't getting the break I needed.
Feeling out of control about my life and everything that was going on around me lead me to isolate myself and unfortunately with the anxiety that came with it, made me feel incapable of eating. My eating habits isn't something I discuss regularly, but I've always felt there was something there, but nothing bad enough to be given a name to. I was nervous a lot of the time and so when I ate, it almost hurt me and made me feel guilty to eat... Almost like I shouldn't be doing it, and so I stopped.
I never thought I was fat, I didn't look in the mirror and see a fat girl staring back... I just didn't feel right eating. Along with feeling too nervous to eat, it was like I managed to convince myself that if I did eat, it meant that I was happy even though I wasn't. I probably spent around 2 months without eating a proper meal. I would have maybe a slice of cheese in a day to stop my stomach from hurting?
I did snap out of that phase and started to eat again and put on the weight that I had lost and got back to the size I used to be - although it's still small, it's definitely healthier than I was before.
This all happened whilst having my own house, paying for my car and working full time. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I even managed it. Strength ceases to amaze me.
Since then, I've had friends to help pick me up when I've fallen, who have listened to me cry and just been there when I needed them most. I've reconnected with old friends and met new ones who have shown me that I can laugh and that I can get over things, and that despite losing those closest to me, there's always the memory that they once existed and that happiness was once there. I've found happiness from people I never expected to find happiness from, and despite that some of them will never know it, I'm grateful that they've existed and have just been there at the time I needed them most.
Around just before Bulgaria time I'd say it was the start of getting better and around summer I felt like life was getting back on track. Even though at the time I was on medication, unfortunately you can still get times that you're feeling more down than usual and around September - early November time I went back through a phase of feeling down and bad eating habits started to kick back in. After realising where I was going wrong, I manned up and was honest with myself and what was making me unhappy.
I started working in KG and around December time, despite still having small down moments, I really started to feel happy again. It made me realise that after a shitty year, I needed to have a year to almost 'find myself' and be a little reckless with money, because I didn't get a chance to do that for a whole year and so it helped making the decision to move back in with my dad so I could have that opportunity.
I decided to make this year the year of being a bit of an opportunist - saying yes to things I'd not usually be so reckless with.
The year started off well and it was exciting. I had booked plenty of holidays and made sure that this year was more exciting than the year before. The craziest thing being booking a trip to New York (last minute) and having an amazing friend put me up for a couple of nights whilst I browsed my dream of dream location. It really helped open my eyes to all the opportunities out there and only confirmed that I was doing the right thing.
I'm not going to lie, life can be hard. It still remains to be hard now... But I've definitely grown stronger and am managing to shrug off and laugh at the things that used to make me cry or angry. There have been times where life and people have been unkind and people have done unimaginable things that I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk about properly, but if I live life dwelling on these things, I'll only forget how to live... And what is life when you forget it?
Despite all the bad in the world (not meaning to be cheesy) but I've realised that it is a wonderful life. Babies are born every day... Rainforests and waterfalls exist. Mountains are waiting to be climbed, countries waiting to be visited and friends who are there every step of the way. I know that life wont be breezy, but I'm hopeful that I'll stay open minded and wont ever go back to the place I was once in.
For those of you both knowing and unknowing of the great impact you have made on my life, I thank you. You are the people who make life worth living.
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